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If you combine the review and the raise, money will always trump performance analysis

In the minds of so many employees, a request for a "review" is imply code for a "raise"...

If you give in and combine the two discussions, all the employee hears is the extra money they will be getting……and all the improvements that can be gained from a structured coaching and performance improvement discussion are lost in the shuffle.

All too often the review becomes a necessary evil for the employee and a meaningless exercise for the employer. From the employee side, all they want is to hear about the money. From the employer side, it is difficult to criticize people and give a "fair and balanced" review, and all too often the reviewer has no idea what to say and retreats into praise when criticism is merited.

But sometimes it is easy. Sometimes an employee is just so lacking that the boss has to resort to extraordinary metaphors to describe how truly bad their performance has been. Here are some suggestions from real life that you might like to consider using…..but consult your labor attorney first: .        

·         “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”

·         “He's got a full six pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”

·          “He would argue with a signpost.”

·         “He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”

·         “He brings joy whenever he leaves the room.”

·         “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

·         “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

·         “It’s hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.”

·         “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”

·         “I would not allow this employee to breed.”

·         “When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet.”

·         “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

·         “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

·          “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

·         “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

·          “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

·         “He’s got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

·         “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

·         “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

·         “One neuron short of a synapse.”

·         “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he just gargled.”

·         “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

·         “I would not allow this employee to breed.”

·         “This associate is really not so much as a has-been, but more of a definitely-won’t-be.”

·         This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

·         “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

·         “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

·         “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

·         “A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

·          “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

·         “It takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.”

·         “I went to Disneyland recently, and Mickey Mouse was wearing a watch with (this employee's) picture on it"